Missing and Desired Moments
by tinybits
Summary: Little moments missing from the show or wishful-thinking moments that I would have liked to see. Disclaimer: All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes.
1. The first night in (9x04)

**The first night in. (9x04)**

_Callie's POV._

A couple of minutes later, American Bake Off starts. A couple of minutes in complete silence. For the first time in months, silence is not a bad thing: it is a relief. Arizona is staring at the tv screen but I can tell she isn't watching.

She hasn't been watching anything really the past few months. She just stares at the tv and uses it as an excuse so that she doesn't have to look elsewhere. So that she doesn't have to look at me, or Sofia, or most of all, herself.

I'm not watching either, though. I'm watching her with the corner of my eye. She seems so anxious and nervous. I feel nervous too. She has spoken quietly before but she has never invited me so close to her. It's so devastating to feel estranged from my own wife. But, this, today, is some progress.

During the first break, she goes again:

"I miss Chinese food". I freeze.

"You could bring some on our way home tomorrow" she continues.

I'm sure she understands how shocked I am by my trembling response

"Um, yeah, sure I could. I will". I want to add "I miss YOU" but the show starts again just on time.

Silence comes again.

At the end of the show, Arizona is really sleepy, she is exhausted. She has had a quite tiring day and is struggling to stay awake. She needs to go to bed and relax.

"You should go to bed" I say, as gently as I can.

"Hum, yeah, I should. I'm exhausted", she says while bringing the crutches closer so she can stand on them.

"I bet you are. Let me give you a hand there…"

"No, NO. I'm OK" she says, a bit irritated.

I can't say a word. So afraid am I of her yelling again. But she doesn't.

"I'm fine", she adds quietly and my heart goes back to its place. No arguing today. It's a good day. It's a step. A baby one, yet huge.

As she reaches our bedroom door, she stops. She turns her head and watches me tidying up the place before I leave for Mark's. I pretend I haven't noticed her. I'm terrified of what's coming next.

"I can't sleep when you're across the hall." She says, then pauses.

"I keep thinking about something happening and you not making it in here in time."

She isn't looking at me. She's staring at the floor. She stays there for a couple of seconds and starts moving inside the room. I can't speak. I try to, but nothing comes out. I can't even move. I'm frozen.

"Goodnight" she whispers as she's closing the door behind her.

I reach for the sofa and sit down. I try to breath. Sleeping across the hall wasn't easy for me either but I never thought she didn't want me to. She had been pushing me away for months, she seemed relieved I was sleeping at Mark's. But suddenly, there she is, asking me to stay.

I start sobbing, unable to hold back anymore. I see the light in the bedroom where my wife is lying, disappear. She is trying to fall asleep, I guess. I'm trying to stop sobbing so that I won't wake her up, but I can't. I fall asleep, there, on the coach, with my clothes and shoes on.

_Arizona's POV._

I haven't heard the door closing so I guess she's still in. I heard her trying to hold back. I heard her sobbing. I heard her gasps as she was trying to breath while crying.

It's been two hours I haven't heard anything. She must have fallen asleep. I feel a strong urge to go check on her but I'm afraid she's gonna wake up. I don't want her to see me checking on her. Not tonight.

One hour later, I still hear nothing. I sit on the bed and get my crutches. I'm going anyway. If she wakes up, I'll tell her I was thirsty. She used to put a glass of water on my bedside table but I shouted at her not to do so and she stopped.

I have yelled so hard at her lately. And she never responds. I keep on breaking her and she doesn't respond.

The city is glowing outside the window so I don't have to turn any lights on. I try to be as quiet as possible.

There she is, the love of my life, lying on a coach I've forced her to sleep on, curled and cold and lonely. She looks so lonely.

I feel tears running down my cheeks. I'm alive and I'm here and I've been making her feel like I'm dead, like I died out there in the woods. But I didn't. I'm alive. And I have to get back.

I bring her favorite blanket and cover her. She moves a little and makes herself comfortable under it. I bent and take her shoes off. I wish I could take care of her.

She used to be the one staring at me when I was asleep but now I'm looking at her. She's so beautiful. I put a light kiss on her hair. She smells so wonderfully. I miss her smell. I miss her. I miss us. I miss myself. .

I head for Sofia's bedroom to check on her too. She's still asleep. She barely wakes up at night anymore.

I go back to our bedroom. As I'm lying on the hospital bed I've been sleeping on for months, I start sobbing. I can't hold back anymore, either.


	2. Across the street (9x06)

**Across the street. (9x06)**

_Callie's POV._

I want to go home. I need to go home and hug my wife and baby and sleep in their arms. I need to sleep. And have some nice dreams, I need to dream of happy faces and laughter and the world getting better around us. No lawsuits, no unsuccessful surgeries, no lost limbs. Just happiness and love. But for now, I just want to call her. I'm sure she must be quite tired and hungry. Thank God, she's eating full meals again. I'm really afraid to call her though. She didn't call to tell me she was coming to the hospital so I guess she didn't want me to know. I hate it that I have to disguise my biggest pride for her and just pretend I don't know. I just want to go see her and tell her how proud I am of her. How much I need her. How she makes me a better person each day. But I can't.

I call at home first. I know she must still be here but I want her to see that I called home first. So, here I am calling her.

"Hey there..." I say, as neutral as possible.

"Hey..." I try to figure out if she's angry at my call but I guess she's not so I continue:

"I called home but didn't get any answer so..."

"Um, yeah, I know, I-I'm here..."

"Here?"

"I'm at the hospital, Callie..." I can tell she is a little upset.

"Oh, you are? Ummm is everything ok? Are you ok?"

"I'm fine Callie. Miranda wanted my help on a peds case so I'm here."

"Oh, I see... Ummm that's great, really."

"It's just fine, ok? It's my job here, you know."

"Yes, Arizona, I know, I just... Anyway... I've finished everything here so I'm heading for home after I pick up Sofia from the daycare. Do you want anything specific for dinner?" Silence. And then..

"Um, would you.. Would you wait for me? I-I'm almost done here too." She says, a little hesitant in the beginning, more confident in the end.

"Yeah, of course I would. Should I get the car and wait for you at the parking lot? Did you come here by car?"

"No, I walked... Well..."

"You walked here? You actually did? Oh, that's-that's great…" I try to stay calm but I've never been good at this anyway.

"No, it's not great, Callie, it's just-it's just fine. It's the most usual thing in the world, ok?"

"Yes Arizona." I say, dissapointed. "It's just fine. So I pick up Sofia and come to find you on peds?" There's the delighted me again.

"No, no, just wait for me at the entrance."

"That's fine I guess..."

"Ok, I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes." She says and hangs up without waiting for any kind of response. She doesn't really wait for responses lately. But I can take it. I really can.

Walking around the hospital, I feel so overwhelmed. It's been so much time since we last walked across the street together. Like a family. So much time. I go and get Sofia, she's half asleep. As I take her into my arms, she rests her little head on my neck. My sweet girl lies in my arms enjoying her most secure place in the world. My own most secure place in the world is Arizona's embrace and, God, I miss that security so much. But tonight we'll walk across the street together, as a family again. The world couldn't give me a more valuable gift tonight. Me, my strong, brave wife and our beloved daughter walking across the street to our home. As I'm sitting on a bench at the parking lot, waiting for her, I feel tears of happiness rolling down my face. There she is, the love of my life, walking slowly towards us.

_Arizona's POV._

I loved taking the stairs from time to time. I guess I'm stuck with the elevators from now on, but I can handle it. So, that was it. My first day back to the hospital. Not officially, yet the first. It feels good. Today it feels really good. Everything is so different but thank God, my job is the same great job I've always had. I helped a 13 year old today. All the crap I'm facing in my life doesn't matter right now, coz this young girl over there feels better. I need to be stronger, I need to try harder, I need to come back. But for now, I just need to get to the parking lot and see my girls. I want to hold them and cross the street, go home. I want to hold my family together. It's a mild evening tonight. Not too cold, not hot either, not rainy for sure. It's nice.

There they are. I can tell Sofia is asleep. I can tell by her arms. One wrapped around Callie's neck and the other just hanging with the inside of her little hand looking at me. I would give everything to hold her in my arms and walk across the street together. But I will. At some point, I will. I just have to try harder, I just have to be stronger soon. Tonight, Callie is going to carry her and we're going to walk across the street, like a family. Just as we always used to do before the world collapsed. It's enough for tonight, it really is.

Callie isn't looking at me, though she has noticed me. She isn't looking at me coz she knows how I hate it when she sees me trying. And I'm trying so hard right now. I'm exhausted. But I keep trying. I won't stop. I wish she could look at me right now. I wish she could see how hard I'm trying to reach her again. To be her wife again, to be our daughter's mum.

"Hey" she says quietly, not to wake Sofia up. "Ready to go home?" It's obvious that she's been crying. But she's looking at me with those wet, brown loving eyes and that beautiful happy smile and I'm sure they're tears of happiness. Can I still make her happy?

"Yes, ready to go home" I'm sure she can see my tears too. And I hope she can tell they're tears of happiness.

She stands up, holding Sofia on her left arm and comes to my left. "Let's walk home, Mrs Torres" she says, with a sigh of relief.

"I'm exhausted" I say and she just rolls her right hand around my waist, holding me, while we're walking. I do exactly the same. It's been so long we held each other like this but right now it comes as naturally as breathing.

As I slowly rest my head on her shoulder, I wish I could step out of my body and stay on the other side of the street, just behind the three of us, and watch us just walking across the street, all tied together.

The world could never give me a more precious gift than all that.


	3. How could she do this? (9x24)

**How could she do this? (9x24)**

_Arizona's POV_

I feel my heart stopping. I actually feel it. I think I'm dizzy. I see it in her look: she knows everything. I see the devastation in her look too. I feel like she's collapsing on the inside. She doesn't even look at Lauren. She's staring at me. She tries to talk but nothing comes out of her mouth. I look straight into her eyes and I can tell she's disappearing right there in front of me. She's looking at me but she isn't there.

"Callie..."

"No. No." She responds, shocked, still looking me in the eyes. And then, she starts going backwards, turns and goes away.

Alex looks at me and goes after her. I want to follow her too but there's a baby in my hands which I'm trying to help. I look desperately around me. I need someone to take over as fast as possible before Callie is lost somewhere inside the hospital. Lauren is standing next to me and doesn't move, isn't trying to help. She said she wasn't going to leave things like that and I now realize she was true: she's willing to make things worse.

Alex comes back into the NICU, concerned. I look at him and he nods. He comes next to me and quietly takes over with the baby. "Go find her, just go. Attendings' lounge" he gives me an urgent look and I start moving backwards just like Callie did minutes ago. "Go!" He shouts and his voice wakes me up. But this isn't a nightmare. It's freaking real.

I walk as calmly as I can. I feel my feet –what an irony- shaking, I feel my whole world, my whole life shaking. What have I done? How could I do that?

As I reach the attendings' lounge, I stop and try to breath. I grab the knob to open the door but it's locked. I hear her sobbing against the door and my heart breaks.

"Callie. Please. Please, open the door"

I hear the door unlocking but it remains closed. I slowly open it and get into the room. Callie is standing with her forehead against the window. Her shoulders are moving up and down, her body is shaking. I hear her sobs and I feel my heart breaking to bits. How could I do this to her? How could I do this to me? To us? To Sofia? I had promised myself I would never hurt her again. Never. But I did. I stand opposite her on the other side of the room and open my mouth.

"Callie... I... I'm deeply, really sorry... I..."

She turns and looks at me, devastated, broken. I wish she looked angry. Anger is easier. But, no, she's broken. I've broken her.

_Callie's POV_

I feel myself moving backwards. I think I've lost control, as if someone else is moving my body. I walk backwards and I try to look at her. I look at her but I can't really see her. I think I'm dizzy, I feel sick. I turn my back to them and start walking towards the hall. I take the stairs and I then find myself inside the attendings' lounge. I lock the door behind me and collapse against it. I feel like all my nerves are exposed to an unbearable amount of pain. Unbearable. The pain and hurt and betrayal I feel right now are unbearable. How could she do it? How could I have been so wrong about her? Where did it all come from? I thought we were doing fine, I thought we were getting better. What the hell happened? God, why?

I can't stop my mind from running. I want it to stop. I just want it to stop. But I can't. Until I hear the door knob rolling. Then a knock on the door and her voice.

"Callie. Please. Please, open the door"

I unlock the door and immediately walk to the other side of the room. I rest my head against the cold glass of the window and feel relieved by its coolness. Like it manages to cool my burning head. I hear the door opening and then closing again. She's here. I try to calm myself and face her but I fail to stop the sobs that escape my mouth, the sobs that escape my soul. I feel my body shaking. And then, I hear her voice again.

"Callie... I... I'm deeply, really sorry... I..." she stops.

Her apology is a kick in my stomach. I think it hurts me more than what she did. I had hoped that she would never need to apologize for something like that. Something so heartbreaking. I had that trust in her. I trusted that she would never need to apologize for breaking my heart ever again. But she did. And as I turn to look at her, I hear the pieces of my broken heart falling on the floor.

"How could you do this? I thought..."


	4. A way out (10x02)

**A way out** _(Arizona's P.O.V)_

Ok. Here I am. I have to face it. I can't stay another night in that hospital. I have to sleep at home tonight, alone. All alone. I have to face that fear. I take a deep breath and unlock the door. No lights on, no voices heard. Alone.

The place is a mess. I have to tidy it up. I'll start with the kitchen and living room. So, I'm gonna be alone tonight. It's just a night, right? It's been ages since I last spent the night here by myself though. Even during those horrible sleepless nights after the plane crash. Callie would sleep across the hall, yet Sofia always stayed here, my only comfort. I could listen to her every sleeping sound all night long and feel safe. Her breathing would always bring me back from those damn woods. But tonight? I'm all alone. How the hell did I get here?

Sofia's toys are everywhere. And Callie's books too. She didn't take any books with her, so she's come back soon, right? All alone. I can do this, I can. I've made it so far. I can sleep one night alone. I used to live alone for years, now what? I can't even handle just one night? I can handle one night. Of course I can. Is it just one though? No. It's already the second. And Callie doesn't know how long it's going to be like that. But still, Sofia is staying with me the following two nights. Right. Until then, I'll come up with a plan. Yeah. I can fix it.

No, not Sofia's room. I can't go into her room right now. I'll do ours first. I'll make the bed and put all the clothes into the closet. So, yeah. I'm gonna make a plan. I'll fix this. I'm a surgeon, I fix people, I fix things. I'll fix us. Her necklace and ring aren't here. That's a good thing, isn't it? She took our daughter and left but she took her necklace and ring too. I can fix us. I have to, cause it's me that torn us apart. Right.

I try to enter Sofia's room but I can't. I rest my back on the door and I think I haven't felt that lonely in my whole life. More than when I was out there in the woods. Even more than the time when Callie was in a comma. Most of my baby's clothes are gone. Her diaper bag and her favourite stuffed animal too. Gone. I'm all alone. I close all the drawers and switch off the lamp. No need for it to be on: the room is empty. The apartment is empty. I'm empty.

My leg is killing me. This sharp pain is here again. I take off the leg and massage my stump. The pain doesn't seem to go away. I should try to sleep. There's nothing else to do in here anyway. I lie back on our bed and stare at the ceiling. I turn the lights off. Complete darkness, that's all I'm left with now. My breath hitches. This darkness seems too familiar. And frightening. Like I'm back in the woods. My leg hurts as if it's still there, I even feel Mark lying on me, I feel his warmth. But he's not. I'm all alone in the woods. Again. The pain becomes unbearable. I put my hand on my mouth trying not to shout. But even if I did, nobody would hear me. I'm all alone in those woods. Nobody to get help from, nobody to hide from. My wife, the love of my life, isn't lying next to me to take me in her arms. Our daughter isn't sleeping in the opposite room so I can focus on her breathing to calm myself down. I can't breath. How the hell am I supposed to get out of this so real nightmare all by myself?

I sit back on the bed and desperately try to put my leg back on, breathless. Tears fall from my eyes, I hear myself sobbing. I put on a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt and a pair of shoes and head towards the door. I can't do this all alone. I can't. I need to see my daughter. She's still my daughter, right? I haven't lost her too, have I? I need to hold my daughter in my arms. I need a way out.


	5. On the front porch (10x02)

**Arizona's POV**

"Cause you're my little girl".. I say, sobbing. I feel safe now. How strange! I'm the one supposed to protect her, yet having her sitting on my lap, holding her so tight close to me, keeps me safe. I feel her lying on me and rest her head over my chest. I touch her hair and kiss the top of her head. I think she's falling asleep. It's late anyway. With my free hand I start running circles around her back. It always sooths her, even during her worst night tantrums.

Callie used to say that my hands were made to sooth babies, that I was really cut out to be a mum after all. Maybe she's right. Because this baby girl, right here, is an endless source of joy and love. I had never imagined I'd be able to love somebody as much as I love my daughter. This pure, selfless love, is what keeps me sane through this boatload of craziness I seem to live in. So, yeah, she was right. I was cut out to be a mum, although I never thought I was. This is funny. Cause I always felt I would be a wife though. Even when I was a player, I knew I had it in me to be a wife. To find a woman to love all the way and spend my life with. And Callie was it for me. Through our ups and our downs, I knew she was it. So, isn't this funny? It turns out I've done an awful job as a wife. And so many things I never thought I'd be and actually turned out to be. A cheater. I had never been a cheater, ever. I've done things, slept with many women, yes, but a cheater? Never. Even when I bailed, I never cheated. In relationships so less important than this one. And now what? I go and sleep with some random woman that shamelessly flirts with me, even though she knew I'm married, I have a child. And I didn't stop her. Alex said I should stick to "I'm sorry I'm such a slut". Maybe he's right. But it's unfair. Cause never in my life have I felt like one. Not even now. What's wrong with me?

Sofia's arm slowly falls and stays hanging on her side. She's completely asleep. Oh God. How long has it been? I promised I'd stay with her just for five minutes but I have no idea how long we've been sitting like this. I cover Sofia with her baby blanket so she's protected from the breeze. I need to stand up as quietly as possible even though she doesn't really mind being moved as long as she's asleep. I have to be extra careful too. A misstep is the last thing I need right now. I can't have Callie thinking I'm not capable of taking care of my own daughter.

As I decide it's time to stand up, the door opens slowly. Oh, no, no. Callie must be even angrier with me right now. I must have taken too long. The door opens completely and I see her face. She doesn't seem angry. No. She looks heartbroken and sad. She stays frozen at the doorstep, looks at me and then the floor. "She's asleep" I say, kissing Sofia's head once more. "I can see that" she coldly replies. I try to stand up and she starts moving towards us. She knows I have difficulty standing up when I'm holding Sofia. She takes a few quick steps and suddenly is in front of us. Bending, "it's Ok, I've got her" she says and lifts a sleeping Sofia in her arms. "I'm sorry I took so long, I just..." I try to say as she heads to the door again. She stops and turns but doesn't look at me. Then, she speaks. "It's ok. I get it. You needed to tell her goodnight". Just before she closes the door I whisper a goodnight. And then, they're both gone. And here I am. All alone again.

**Callie's POV.**

I open the door slowly to check on them. They've been outside for more than fifteen minutes and Sofia must be getting cold. She's wearing just her pajamas and has her baby blanket on. The last thing I need right now is Sofia catching a cold.

Cristina was right. She needed to see her and as mad as I may be at her, I can't keep her away from Sofia. It's not my right to do so. I see Sofia is asleep. Last night it was so difficult to put her to sleep. Today, in just fifteen minutes she's already off. I have to make this transition as smooth as possible for her. Arizona has to try too. We need to protect her, because whatever is happening between her parents, is not her fault.

Arizona raises her eyes and looks at me terrified. "She's asleep" she says. "I can see that", I reply a little more coldly than I intended to. She tries to stand up as quietly as possible so as not to wake Sofia up. I know she has trouble standing up when she's holding her, so I go closer and bend to lift her. "It's ok. I've got her" I say and she sits back again. I head towards the door. Then, she talks again. "I'm sorry I took so long, I just..." She tries to apologize and my heart breaks even more now. I stop and turn, but can't look at her. "It's ok. I get it. You needed to tell her goodnight". I can't look at her right now cause the anger I feel, the despair, the sadness, the disgust, they're all… It's all too much right now. She doesn't start a conversation though. She seems lost. She just says a barely audible "goodnight" and I just nod. I push the door open. My own goodnight is not even a whisper. I don't want her to hear it anyway. I close the door behind me.

Derek and Cristina are still sitting in the living room, silent. I tell them goodnight and move towards the guest room. "Callie" Christina tries to talk. "It's OK. I get it. You were right. She needed to see her. It's just that… you know… she put herself in that position Cristina. SHE did that. I'm not the bad guy here, ok? She can't just have it all. Just… Just goodnight, ok?" I say, trying to hold back my tears. "Ok", they both respond and I go into the room, closing the door behind me. I lay Sofia down on the right side of the bed and cover her carefully. She seems so peaceful, so angelic. My little angel, she is.

No matter how angry I am at Arizona, how she broke my heart and her vows and my trust and our marriage… well… she's a good mother. A great one. She loves Sofia as much as I do, she loves her even more than herself. Yeah, that's true. It's funny, isn't it? She was so opposed to having kids, she was so sure she wouldn't be a good mother. Such an irony. I never thought she would cheat on me, either. But she did. Turns our both of us were wrong about her.

I put on a pair of pajamas too and go under the covers, next to Sofia, trying to calm my nerves. I turn to the side and look at my sweet girl. God. Two nights ago we were doing great. We had come back from the hospital, had dinner, gave Sofia a bath and put her to bed. Then, we watched something silly on TV and got ready to sleep. We laid next to each other, I hugged her like I always used to do and we slept. Everything was great. Or… I thought it was. And now? Now we're lying on a bed in someone else's house and Arizona is now with us.

I don't know what I'm going to do with her. I can't even thing about it right now. All I need to do is take care of my baby. And myself too. Cause Sofia needs me to be strong. And Arizona? Oh, I don't know. And you know what? As much as it hearts, I don't care to know. She's laid her bed, right?

I hear the sound of her car going away in the distance. She's left.


End file.
